he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
My phone just autocorrected 'vagina' to 'vaginihilation'...when exactly did I need to convey total annihilation by lady parts??
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I curse you to think about Guy Fieri whenever you have sex with your lady.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
well I ran around the park drunk with a plastic baby and fell, all while screaming "I WILL PROTECT YOU CARLOS", yeah there's video
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
I need to find a divorced guy with a boat and let my tits do the talking
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