He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
It's mornings like this that make me happy to have a clean pair of underwear in my purse.
Omg. The strippers are having a batman vs spiderman showdown. Both on stage. Genius.
I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.
Look I know it's late and I hope this doesn't wake you up but I feel like you should know that I'm sleeping on my couch in my own apartment so that my friend can get laid in my bed, and I would do the same for you.
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
I mean you would really have to try to not have fun at a party that doesn't require pants....
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Definitely just poured my beer into a McDonald's cup so I could walk through Walmart without judgment. 'Murica.
It's times when I'm naked but also want to be platonically social that I miss you the most.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Randomize
