True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
Some girl, somewhere, is going to wake up with my face paint on her vagina
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
DR UNK TOWN USA
TEAM USA GO AMERICA
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
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