I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
you were crying saying "if you love me you will find me a loaf of bread"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
You know.... I ordered the nipple clamps when I was drunk. But on further consideration, THANKS DRUNK ME I LIKE WHATS HAPPENING
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
I swear to god if you eat that last piece of pie while I'm gone I will never speak to you again. I'm so serious.
my roommate had drunk sex above me in our bunk bed and then built me a fort to apologize the next day
Something in me snapped and now I’m just googling famous vegans.
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