how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
how lazy do you have to be to be a fat vegetarian?
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!
I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
First sunburned tits of the season. And it's only April... I feel like it's going to be a good summer.
Dude. She came to my room in nothing but a trench coat. Took it off and said, "you like" in her Costa Rican accent. God I love college.
I have a bandage in my ass crack. In. My. Ass. Crack.
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
