My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
She tied me up with her honor cords...
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
My parents just out drank me... I cant get back to college soon enough
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.
I feel like he's mythological. Like you just had lunch with the Loch Ness Monster of hotness
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
You still owe me a blowjob for knowing more about hurricanes than you.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
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