my affection for youporn is starting to get disturbing... i just thought about sending them a christmas card
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force
I just want to jump into a ballpool of dicks now.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
Good news my life of crime finally paid off
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
Randomize
