so i woke up thsi morning with a phadora on my head, no shirt and a huge hangover? want to help me figure this out?
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
I just remember getting him back by licking the window on his truck.
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Does peppermint hummus sound good or am I just high?
One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.
Slept in my car last night. It snowed. I peed on the street. Hello 29...
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
A dozen naked frat boys in squirrel masks just ran by. Welcome to the official start of the holidays.
Randomize
