Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
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If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
There's a time and a place for everything. Except for getting wasted at a work event, puking in the parking lot, and sleeping in your car overnight.
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Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
Well while you were being a dick I was taping back together a cougars broken heart
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
I saw a picture of a baby and it reminded me to take my birth control. Priorities
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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