I just barfed on his mom.
You told him you were too drunk to meet his parents. Totally his fault.
our health teacher's ringtone is Bad Romance and she has a tramp stamp. i will not skip this class, ever.
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
The fire breather is here so I may get my second wind.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I'll be home next weekend. Its mothers day. Let's party just enough so we are frightened it might be our first
Agreed then we'll really be on our A game tomorrow. And by A I mean alcohol.
If I call him daddy should I get him a father's day card? Serious question
So after we found out he wasnt throwing up blood in was just hawaiian punch and we all failed breathalyzers the cop drove us around like a taxi and brought us back to the apartment
If one more dude who finds out I'm a cop asks to see me in uniform I'm gonna become asexual
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Randomize
