Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.
so you punched his junk, right?
At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
I'm drinking margaritas out of a soup mug, of course I'm going to get wasted
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
90 In a 65. Talked my way out of it with the i have to poop story. i am the ticket jesus
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
WHAT IS PROPER BONG ETIQUETTE FOR WHEN YOU'RE ALONE IN YOUR BATHTUB AND CRYING?
My breasts were aching with rage.
You continued to run around saying "free the nipple" while "taste testing" every liquor on the premises.
He sent me nudes and I told him he reminded me of Buffalo Bill.
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
Nothing like a dick pic from your fave ex to make you audibly exhale sadly.
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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