I was taking a piss and started puking. I pissed myself and made a mess in the bathroom. Passed out, then got up and went back out from 11pm to 5am.
I changed 4 diapers and slept horribly in our hot apt. Now, I'm at my inlaws house watching the Rangers get pummeled. Oh how our lives differ.
Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
I'm a fake celebrity on twitter. I need a life.
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas
It was pathetic and I was covered in butter
When you turn your data bak on you're gonna get a pic of a nipple but it's not mine
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just sent a dick pic to a number on Craigslist, this may be my new low
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
Intoxication Level: I'm as graceful and flawless as a fucking dinosaur.
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