do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I don't think the car's salesman understands that I am about to vomit on him.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
I'll remember. Also, I owe you 200 for a pair of shoes that I carelessly bought to improve my spinal structure, to improve my health and ensure that I love to be 300 years old. Like Adam. Of the bible.
I decided I was tough enough to wax my bikini area myself. Long story short, I'll be drunk when you get home
Pretty sure my idea of standards went out the window when I hooked up with a guy who had a rooster tattoo with an arrow pointing down to his no no bits. Think about it.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
He's eating a sriracha ravioli sandwich. How do you think the night is going?
She really wants to put my dick in her mouth, and to be honest I really don't want to put it there.
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