rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Drinking at work by myself... My boss just walked into me copying my face on the copy machine..
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
A guy wearing a hard hat while floating the river. It's the most responsible drinking we saw all day.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
No. 70% of the female population would find them attractive. The other 30% are lesbian and even they would appreciate them for their strong bodies and athletic capabilities.
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
Everybody needs breakup sex. You just happened to get yours from a dude who hasn't reached the point of breakup yet. No biggie.
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
As you were leaving you yelled at the owners that the stairs weren't suitable for "intoxacapated" people and promptly fell down them.
So I WAS right.
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
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