i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."
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mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
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I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
Sorry you felt insulted last night let me rub your butt in remorse
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I'm a lady who knows what she wants in life, and that's uncommitted dick.
Just calm down. My foot long super joint and I will be over shortly.
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