What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!
Is it wrong that the only reason I'd want Savannah in my wedding party is to watch her whore around and drink?
I just realized I haven't had a date or a potential possibility of a date in about a year. Then I realized I wanted to actually go on a date. But I'm sitting here getting high instead of being at a party. Life.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
The shrooms have turned on carrie. Change of plans. We're getting stoned and finding bacon.
Just put me in your contacts as coyote
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
Bring me your tired, your weary, your buffalo chicken dip
She's so nice... She deserves all the dicks.
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
Randomize
