I'm almost 25, which means I can ride with girls that have permits
After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate
I'm gonna go out on a limb and say it had something to do with pool sex.
How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
Wait. Did you let me snort wine last night cause I wanted to smell jesus's blood?
Yes. I have pictures. Your soul is mine.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
If you had been home 20 minutes ago, you probably would've caught me masturbating, so it might be for the best.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
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