You know, as long as there were ice cream breaks, I would totally eat chips for a living.
he whispered in my ear that he would be upstairs and i should come up. i stayed downstairs. he came back down and repeated to whisper in my ear. this happened about 5 times until he passed out.
finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Think worst case scenario and then dress sluttier
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
Steaks?
It's Ash Wednesday.
If you really think that not eating meat on a weeknight is going to keep you out of hell, fine. Can I use that chimichurri you made?
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
remember when I lost my virginity and said I could see myself becoming a sex addict?? Well I'm pretty sure that time has come
Randomize
