Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
you kept yelling something about watching the muppets chirstmas carol and trying to turn the t.v. on with your car keys
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit
Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
currently buying a pregnancy test while braless so happy november to you too
I woke up at like 4 am with an old Korean woman cuddling me. I assure you she was not there when I went to sleep.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Blunts beyotch
What? Joints? Blunts?
I'll refer you to my previous text: "Blunts beyotch"
Randomize
