I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
I like daylight savings. I don't care if it's 4 oclock it's not daydrinking if it's dark out
seek help.
When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.
I think throwing up in my her purse is probably why we broke up
Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.
And the cockring thing wasn't sexual.
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
Dude, you can't drink while watching Star Trek. You hardly understand it sober.
It's an alien shaped cup though. i think that'll help me absorb.
My credit card got frozen due to suspicious activity. "Let's go over your recent transaction history... it looks like these are all at bars." BITCH, DON'T JUDGE MY MONDAY NIGHTS.
You ever just SEE a guy and know he's good at choking someone out?
It's 3 am.
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
The cat's telling me to stop taking acid, and to start doing the lords work. I'm almost 99% sure he's talking about the dark lord.
THIS CAT'S GOING TO TURN INTO A SNAKE AND KILL ME! GET OVER HERE NOW! BRING YOUR WAND.
Randomize
