is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
It's getting increasingly easier to use his emotional instability to my advantage. That's about all he has going for him right now.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
It's like, "you literally have no idea who i am but i definitely slept with your brother in your bed."
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
It was the cape. I can't control myself when I wear a cape.
I just projectile vomited into my kitchen sink. Today need to be over already.
When you accidentally text the wrong guy for a dick pic and your surprised you get one In return. He just got on my "to do" list
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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