That bitch is like a bad destiny's child song.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
how did you get vomit on both your shoulders. I mean think about it.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
My chemistry professor just asked me if I ever found a ride home from the bar last Saturday
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
I just want dates and sex but the option to have that with whoever whenever I want
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
we're the same shoe size and he owns more pairs of heels than i do. this could be the beginning of a beautiful friendship
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
We had a company shotgunning beers contest in the parking lot today, and I won. God bless America!
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
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