the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
Redeem this text for a blowjob
I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.
...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
Hello. You don't know me, but word on the street is that we are now eskimo sisters. I feel like we should go out for coffee and compare experiences.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
You ever fart so hard while you are asleep that you wake up screaming?
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
So this is my life now? Laying in bed texting about Hulk penis?
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
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