I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
I love having hate sex.
You kept throwing bottles at the dorm across the courtyard and when anyone told you to stop you just said "who are you? Al Gore?"
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.
Bring fortys. we have the duct tape. its onnn mothafuckaaaa
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
she put on her moms wedding dress and is chugging purple jolly rancher vodka, happy cyber monday
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
thank you for being a reason not to completely check out of my life and start sleeping all day, crying all night, and living off vodka acquired through credit card debt
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
Randomize
