I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
She showed up in lingerie and a turtle backpack full of bacardi. I think its love.
I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.
every time someone would wish me happy birthday I would be like "thanks happy birthday to you too"
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
not only was there glitter in the toilet after i peed, but there was some on the toilet paper after i wiped. this cant be healthy.
i have a lot of questions about the picture quality/lighting/motion/gravity of the balls...
He literally asked permission to hit on me
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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