If im paying 4grand for laser eye surgery, it better help with beer goggles cuz last night was pretty rough.
SLUTTIEST. 4TH. EVER.
Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
I woke up on the ground next to a bed of naked men. I'm either a drunken genius or the enemy....
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Rule number one to being a good adult: don't use your vagina as an icebreaker. Just some wisdom I thought I'd pass down from experience.
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
you were screaming "I don't need a shirt!" repeatedly while in the process of taking it off and flashing the bouncer. we got kicked out. thanks a lot.
If that pentatonix bullshit is playing when I get home we're breaking up
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