I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Who did Billy Mays play for?
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
i spilled a box of white cheddar cheezits on the bathroom floor about 2 days ago. when i went back to the house he yelled at me from the bathroom: "THANKS FOR THE CHEEZITS, I'll ALWAYS HAVE A SNACK FOR WHEN IM SHITTING NOW!"
On my way to get pizza I followed a dog into Salvation Army where I was just hired
I'm pretty sure I imagined the dog... They still hired me
the bad thing about being great at twerking is that I'm powerless to stop myself from doing it when I'm drunk and in public.
I'd risk everything I own for 10 min naked with her, 2 would be sex and the rest me crying like a little girl.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Randomize
