I cockslap morals
let's makeout let's makeout let's make out let's make out
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
People were autographing me. I'm like the spring break yearbook
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
I maybe late, he's in a peeing contest with the neighbor's dog. Currently he's in the lead.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I put xanax in the cake batter
Did you really? It all makes sense now.
I feel like I would find myself in so much trouble if I hadn't married my DD.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Randomize
