i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
Oh, and also, a couple of straight girls showed up. But they ran away.
The last thing I remember was you puking all over the inside of my door and him yelling "PUKING RALLY!!!"
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
We took your mom out drinking and we wound up winning 18 games of Flip Cup. You have amazing genetics.
just so it's not awkward when you get here, you and my dog have the same name.
Hahaha nice
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