Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
This is your morning-after text courtesy of your very confused friend!! :) To discuss "what the hell were you trying to tell me last night," press 1. To laugh over your drunken antics, press 2. To pretend like none of it even happened (or to respond with concurrent confusion because you have no idea), press 3.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
I just KNEW this was gonna happen. NEVER say "all the free Jameson you can drink" around Tina.
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
Why is no one on Snapchat tonight? I want to see other people having fun so I know it still exists.
It's a classy one I promise! Their toilets are cushioned an tier wifi is named hummingbird
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
I'm just going to tell you this I knocked up your girlfriend. I didn't mean to I thought it was somebody else I wasn't drunk but it was dark.
The truth is better her than my wife.
Randomize
