the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond
We should reintroduce naked Mondays
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
Change the sheets & put your dick in the dishwasher. I'll see you in an hour.
so it turns out that when you ride the subway drunk at 5 am you wake up with a sailor in your bed
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