remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?
we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?
Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
