I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
we found his I.D. in the upstairs bathroom...under a towel in a hidden pile of snacks from her kitchen
I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
i mean hes a break dancing puerto rican, how do you think the sex was?
ill dress up as a sperm donor and you can go as the cup....
Nothing warms my heart more than the sight of a naked hockey player in my bed.
you got into a really intense arguement about protecting bees. it was wierdly arousing.
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
TRY TO UNDERSTAND I HAVE MAGIC POWERS HOLY FUCKING SHIT
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Randomize
