Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
i distinctly remember leaping through the apartment to rescue the clam chowder burning in the kitchen
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.
does the cute hipster in the kitchen belong to you?
if not i want to bang those glasses off his face
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Thats why you dont have a "jubilant gunfire celebration"
Dude, I wish I could live my entire life blacked out.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
youll appreciate my drinking habit one day...
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