so i realized that everyone figured out i was a slut before i did. then i realized that no one felt like telling me. sometimes i think you just keep me around for entertainment.
you're right.
You were parading around the bar chugging girls drinks and then asking them if you could buy them a drink. It was actually genius
New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
So I just used shazaam to figure out a pairs figure skating song. I don't think I could get any gayer.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.
I'll always be here to give you immoral support.
I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
We need to step up our tailgating...they're here drinking out of a prosthetic leg
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
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