First night home from college and I already forgot that walking around nearly naked with my laptop open to smut porn isn't acceptable. Sorry, mom.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
He was chasing Ciroc shots with sips of Captain Morgan... he didn't make it to midnight
Fuckin' raining men in my bedroom while I'm trying to drunk eat a rather large portion of pasta. Like shoo I already picked who I'm sleeping with. Pasta wins.
Our night has progressed to doing coke off a laundry machine through a parking ticket
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
Randomize
