My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I thidmdmk you'gre a special person
Charles is a playa. And I don't mean the spanish word for beach.
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I am making it a rule that only people I am comfortable around enough to not have to put a bra on are allowed for Sunday funday. I think that's a good rule for someone who started drinking alone at noon while everyone else here sipped their coffee.
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
Randomize
