insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day
Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
It's titled "A countdown to death. A psychological look at the downward spiral of actress Lindsay Lohan and her inevitable Hollywood demise" This dissertation is genius. Not a single sober moment for either Lindsay or myself. Good stuff!
you know you've had too much sex when your vagina hurts when you laugh
So I totally just used margarita salt for a body scrub.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
