i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'
i was like PREG?
This guy sitting next to me just bought a plot of land off the internet. On a whim. In the middle of class
it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
His pubic hair was longer than his dick
you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
Apparently getting drunk at a philanthropy event and tweeting about it is "frowned up"
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
And then I went through the chix filet drive through for breakfast in all my republican post sex glory
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
If I don't get struck by a lightning bolt from God by midnight it will be a Christmas miracle.
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
The box said 94% effective prevention of pregnancy if used correctly but God knows I’m not gonna use it right so let’s adjust that to like a 70%
Randomize
