4 words: hood of his car
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
There are peanut butter donuts now. We are playing with forces we can't possibly understand.
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Why did you have to tell me he has a hammer cock? Now I can’t stop staring at his pants.
my night went from a boring school play to hotboxing a car with 3 criminals
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