I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
"Shots" has been nominated for a grammy. Now all of the US has sunken to our level...
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
Just gave a urinal high five to a complete stranger. Might not be such a bad night after all
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
This is why I can't have Wednesdays.... Or adult decisions.
It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
We peed together in a dark alley while holding hands. That is a bond that can never be broken.
I woke up with gum stuck to my nipple piercings this morning.. So there's that.
i just really want to fuck a guy wearing lederhosen
it'll be sexier than it sounds, i promise
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
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