They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
I didnt attack him, I heard I threw a chair at him- big difference. And you know Im not a creep so whatever
what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
neither the pictures you took nor my hangover explain why there are skittles in my shoe
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.
The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced
The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks
I had to convince someone last night that the fact that he couldn't get me off wasn't him it was me and to clarify I had to tell him there was only. One person that got me off every time without fail, he said "that guy is my hero" you should be proud
I literally have nothing else left to cut besides my drug budget; the dark days are among us
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
there's a 50/50 chance the night will end in alcohol-induced rituals of satanic nature
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
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