you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
Riding the train home at 6 am for class still drunk is losing its novelty in my junior year
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Randomize
