im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night
lol who won
well im in the hospital right now so u tell me
So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.
Together?
Preferably.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
what age do we have to be before we can stop fucking guys on the first date?
So.. My internet got red-flagged at work because i did a search on "midigit strippers las vegas" This may be hard to explain...
An alarm set every 45 minutes saying "FATTY" and one every afternoon saying "CASPER" every day until spring break is a foolproof plan to being bikini ready
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
As an added realisation of today. If we used the last time I got laid as a conceiving date I would have a two week old baby. It's been too long...
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
My vag is like the Sahara
Ew that's gross.
The sad truth. Barren and empty.
My one night stand just messaged me and said he is praying for me...
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
I also don't hate being called a giant sack of cheese. Is that weird?
I've been with my family a total of 20 minutes and I'm ready to go on a bender. This is going to be a long weekend.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
Randomize
