i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
And my fence, why is part of it on the roof?
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
and everyone will high five me and girls will approach me offering blowjobs
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
IM HAMMERED AND JUST HAD CHEESECAKE THAT MADE ME FEEL LIKE NO MAN HAS EVER MADE BE FEEL BEFORE.
I think every girl deserves a pregnancy scare. Because then it just feels like such a priviledge to be bleeding out of the vagina.
I legit just did a jig towards my box of tampons.
You think I could convince him that having sex with another girl isn't cheating?
Yeah that was post sex. I was thinking in my mind, no wonder he didnt ask me to call him daddy since he actually is a dad
Randomize
