He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
He went 'unicorn hunting' and lost a fight with a fence. That's how he ended up in the ER.
I just traded ecstasy for trapeze lessons...you in?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
Fuck me first. Then we can craft and watch Terminator 2.
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
I kept screaming that he looked like Khal Drogo and rode around the bar on his back.
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
Randomize
