It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
I wish Facebook had filters like: Ivy League school, frat boy, straight, extremely wealthy, great in bed.. I would check all of them
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Just because I don't want to be her booty call doesn't mean I wanna stop getting tit pics. I'm a sucker for double D's
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Is there something wrong with us? Seriously.
Possibly, but I'd rather not fix it.
Don't judge me like that. At least the house is getting cleaned. If I have to drink and listen to Disney music on repeat for that to happen, so be it.
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Randomize
