my mom walked in on my vaccuming.......i wasnt vaccumming
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
He's married, but his wife isn't my neighbor so I don't feel bad about coveting him.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
Sorry I pulled the thermostat off the wall..
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
No lie. I was hooking up with a former football player at UT and mid-hookup I yelled "I'M FRATERNIZING WITH THE ENEMY"
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
You texted him 17 times. Asking for him back and sending random pictures of Jimmy Buffett. He didn't answer.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Randomize
