I might get fired at work today. I had to prioritize. It's not my fault Cockasaurus came over.
just found out i fit into magnum condums. this is going to be the best weekend ever
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
It feels like one of my ribs evaporated.
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
Dude, we apparently put a washing machine drum in that back of your truck with the full intention of making a bonfire in it.
I went in to wake you up this morning and you had a condom draped across your throat like a necklace. There were no boys in the house last night, what were you doing?
I think sneezing out coked up boogers onto your professor disqualifies you from the "I was sick" excuse
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
this case of pbr just wont end. i keep finding more.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
