Jake was my 1st thought but I seriously thought u already did him... & then there's the getting the clap story... so I settled on Ben for my guess.
I have done Jake, not Ben. But this was fresh meat. And P.S. it was ghonnerea.
Ahh, yes. It's apparently too early in the morning to keep your partners and their std's straight.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact
Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.
I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
well my apartment and my life are still a disaster but I did clean off my desk so that's gotta count for something...
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
