Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.
They drank shots out of my cleavage. Surprisingly, the one who did the best was a gay guy.
I've said it before and I'll say it again: your tits are a danger to gay men everywhere.
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
Sent him a nude and I forgot to crop out the Jesus picture in the background. The Catholic guilt is too real.
I might as well just sew it shut at this point.
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
He was so traumatized by the It's a small world ride but he immediately pulled out a flask from god-knows-where and got drunk before the ride was over. The ride operator didn't blame him.
Randomize
