You just made me feel so damn special
there should be laws that require people like to me to be on birth control.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
he signed me a blank check so today i get to decide if i want to be a saint or a millionaire
Good news: I actually puked in my bathroom, the vomit from the living room was actually from someone else.
That's horrible but hilarious
I'm going to miss college.
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
He washed his dick in my kitchen sink after sex. I think he might be a keeper.
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
