i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
He told me he had an exgf. and didnt follow up with"and now i like guys."
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
yo btw licking skeptical coke off table right now
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Apparently "Do you want me to ruin your day now or later?" is not a good way to tell someone you're pregnant and it's theirs.
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Randomize
