im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
I just melted my phone trying to make cookies. I think that's a sign.
I CAME HOME WITH MY NIPPLES PEIRCED! WE WERE CAMPING. IN THE MOUNTIANS. I DONT EVEN REMEMBER IT AT ALL.
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
Today I found out that my boss keeps a breathalyzer on his desk for just these sort of shenanigans
I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
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