I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
i am not above fucking your little sister on your bed
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
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And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
Hes screaming about Slender man. whatever hes on is probably not healthy.
I don't like him near enough to give up day drinking AND my prostitute costume
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Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
I need a light and a towel. ive got cum in places ive never had cum before.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
You showed up at my house at 4am with a bloody nose, one shoe and a bucket of chicken... I live no where near a place that sells chicken in a bucket..
Well that would explain the bones in my purse.
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
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