dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
So I don't have any furniture but we just skateboard drunk around the floor.
OMG MY MOM JUST ASKED IF I WAS GETTING PAP SMEAR TOMORROW VERY LOUDLY WHILE WE ARE STANDING IN A VERY PUBLIC LINE.
he held my hand while i was giving him head. freud's gotta be turning over in his grave
So I was gonna stay in tonight but the president got me motivated! I will not quit. Bars here I come.
i think i scared a bird with my dick
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
Dont tell her I prefer to have an aura of mystique surronding me and my penis.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Just found $31 in my desk drawer. In $1's. WTF happened last night?!
We were playing fuck marry kill and he was eavesdropping so I said I would fuck him
It was like catching dick in a barrel
Randomize
